Nolan vs. Turteltaub

I am a religious reader of Entertainment Weekly. I get a lot of enjoyment out of this publicataion, until I begin to read the movie reviews.

This magazine has had the same two critics ever since I remember. I have read more reviews by Lisa Schwartzbaum and Owen Gleiberman than I honestly care to say and here is why.

THEY ARE BOTH IDIOTS! Seriously!

I was just reading Mr. Gleiberman's review of the new Disney movie The Sorcerer's Apprentice and he contridicts himself constantly. He names something that is awful then excuses it instantly.

"The Sorcerer's Apprentice is brought to you by the folks who created the National Treasure movies, producer Jerry Bruckheimer and director Jon Turteltaub, and you can imagine them having a meeting in which they said: Let's make a movie in the same vein — only fizzier and dumber, even more kid-happy, with a lot more meaningless effects. In other words: Let's do a movie that makes the National Treasure films look sophisticated. You may think that I'm about to sneer, but I found the ticky-tacky, hocus-pocus foolishness of The Sorcerer's Apprentice appealing in a turn-off-your-frontal-lobes way. Watching the film, you don't have to pretend to care about rescuing the Declaration of Independence, and that's a relief."

NonononononoNONONONONO! You can't say it is "dumber" with "more meaningless special effects" and go on to say you liked it because they movie wasn't about "rescuing the Declaration of Independence". You still want to be taken seriously after that? That is a complete cop out. But then again this is the man that gave Madagascar an A.

Then I flip back a page and see that Lisa Schwartzbaum gave Inception, easily one of the best films out this year a B. Which is what Owen gave Apprentice. How you two dumbasses even put those two films on the same scale, I will never know. Let's compare shall we? Christopher Nolan vs. Jon Turteltaub? Leonardo Dicaprio and Ellen Page vs. Nicolas Cage and...Jay Baruchel? Am I insane here? Is there not a clear winner?

In the event that either of them ever reads this, I will ask one favor.

Owen and Lisa, step down as movie critics of my beloved magazine and for the worlds sake, NEVER WRITE ANOTHER REVIEW FOR ANY FILM EVER AGAIN!

If you'd like to read the full review among others you can do that here